joyabell3

I am stricken by the beauty of so many things today and feeling uber emotional. Yesterday was "date night" and it was wonderful! We had a lovely dinner, played some dice and slots, lost too much, saw an amazing film (The Blind Side), played some 21, lost the rest, but still left feeling like it was a great night. I love it when my husband dates me!

The one bittersweet aspect of the whole evening and the reason why some feelings of sorrow followed me into today was the casino we went to was a favorite casino of my dad's. We walked by the "spot" where my dad would wait for Ed to pick him up after a round of playing from dusk til dawn. The last time we ate at the cafe last night was with my dad on one of his many generous splurges from his winnings. We even sat and played one of his favorite slots, Blazing 7's, for a bit. The tears didn't fall until this morning but the entire evening I walked around with his sweet smiling eyes on my mind. Papa Mar, these are the days that are going to be the most difficult, now that life has slowed down enough to allow me to think about you and miss you all over again.

They say it's the holidays and it probably is and maybe it's because I haven't heard anything from my brothers and it's been almost two weeks since I've called my mom. I need to call my mom. Listening to her voice will put a stop to this orphan-like ache embedded deep in my chest.

A great friend of mine recently moved blogs and I'd like to repost her latest entry tonight. For some reason I really loved the question she posed in it and perhaps it might be something you'd like to contemplate as well...

I was listening to this song earlier today and got to thinking. Where’s my “blue chair”? Do I have one?

Where do I go to sit back and evaluate my life? Where it’s going? Where it’s been?

I have a lot of places.

I like to:
• Think things over lying in bed.
• Sit on the couch watching my family interact.
• Rock the wee one to sleep in the old rocking chair my mom gave me. (In which she did the same with me.)
• Meditate on my zafu and zabuton.
• Watch the world drift by in whatever transportation I’m in. (My favorite is sitting in a balcony on a cruise ship watching the waves.)

Where’s your “blue chair(s)”?

It's a busy time for Ed and I right now. Raising our children and making a living easily take precedence over any down time or leisurely pursuits. It is interesting though how certain places still call to me and how spending even just a little bit of time in them can still rejuvenate and refresh me.

Like my friend Rose, I also have lots of "blue chairs":

• In the shower but only during those "stealing time away" kind of showers where Ed runs interference and I get to scurry upstairs and shut our bedroom door and have a taste of sweet privacy for awhile.
• In the backyard after I've pulled weeds and trimmed back a few of the bushes. Maybe it's the combination of hard work, sweat, sunshine, and air while transforming chaos back into order that makes that time and place so satisfyingly serene.
• In my car driving to work. I have a 30-45 minute commute and it's just me, my music, and the road.
• Any coffee house or bookstore cafe. It's the perfect fusion of three simple pleasures of mine: people watching, reading, and a nice steaming cup of overpriced frou-frou delicious coffee.

Thanks for the question, Rose! My mind feels good after hammering that one out.

Where do I start tonight? There are so many moments and so many people to consider as I finally sit to write this. As this year winds down I am amazed by the roller coaster of events that took place in so short of a time. I pinch myself to make sure I really have survived it. Loving and losing...loss and redemption...aspiration and failure...obstacles and opportunities...such is this life and so it will be until it ends.

Sometimes it can really leave you in awe when you step back and watch all the things that are unfolding before you. I'll be cleaning up the kitchen at the end of the day and catch a conversation between my daughters and suddenly be struck by how quickly 4 years has passed me by. I'll hear a tune on the radio from younger years and suddenly be overtaken by a vivid memory of my dad and I driving home from dropping my mom off for her midnight shift at the hospital. I'll stop and gaze at my husband a few moments just before waking him and suddenly be transported back to our first date together when I couldn't take my eyes off of him as he excitedly shared so many stories about his life and growing up.

Last night I got a text from him letting me know that the casino approved his request to be full time. It seems like such an ordinary thing but if you know our history, the decisions we've made to put our reliance on God, the many prayers we've said over meals, during services, and in the privacy of our own moments with God, you would know how much grace comes with this newly opened doorway. So many times when Ed had to sit down and write out our bills, he admitted he was tempted to not give our tithe that week. But something told him to stay faithful and to trust. And he did.

That seems to be the way faith goes. Having faith in things isn't an easy thing. The easy way is to not have it and to just put up your hands and say "well, it is what it is!" Life is what it is and you have to roll with the punches or get knocked out completely but you always have the choice to believe in something; to hope in something greater and that truly all things happen for the good. It's never been easy though. I think if it was easy, we would take it for granted. All things that come that way always are.

Life keeps unfolding for us and there are times I wish I could press pause. Did I catch everything? What did I miss? I hope I catch it all. I hope I don't miss a thing. I hope all of you know how much I cherish you. I hope you know that a big part of surviving 2009 was because of you...the thoughtfulness, the generosity, the love and the friendship. I hope you know because I know I don't always get to make that phone call or send that card like I always mean to. I hope you know.

My cousin sent me a message and at the end she asked how I was doing. I've been meaning to sit down and journal this loss because writing in the past has always been so healing for me. Perhaps it's lack of time; our home life is brimming to overflowing these days and time to formulate an independent thought is even a luxury; so how much more to sit down and compose an entire body of introspection?

I managed to create a glimmer of this lofty task today however and I thought I'd repost it because although probably just barely scratching the surface of my grief; it is right now the most eloquent sample of the process that I have to offer you...

I don't know how to describe the feeling. It's like that phantom limb pain that some of my amputee patients talk about. It's like knowing that he is gone but yet still feeling that he is still so much a part of me. The loss isn't enough to cripple you; you are still able to be completely functional. I'll be going about my day with the girls and Ed and then all the sudden I'll get a flashback or a daydream of Pops and I practicing cha-cha steps in the basement, laying down new linoleum in the Outer Drive house bathroom, driving home from dropping off Mama at Detroit Receiving for work, or sitting on the front porch steps watering the lawn. And then there's just this overwhelming sense of loss when my brain starts to remember that there won't be anymore moments like that between the two of us and even more sadly, between him and his grandchildren.

To say the least...it is a process...and it's truly one day at a time.

Here we are "again"; the first of many saturdays at 4am...knowing all my secrets.

This fourth pregnancy and delivery has been an incredible experience. A lot of people have said we're pros now but honestly, out of all our children, Erin tested my confidence the most. It was a strange journey of "knowing" what's to come but with just as much wondering and "what if's". If there is one thing I've learned about life it is that you can never be too sure whether it's your first run or your 100th.

So in the beginning I thought a lot about how my body was going to handle another pregnancy. I thought about our finances and our capacity to guide each of our little ones through the next few critical developmental milestones so close together. The truth of having a 4th little one on the way with 3 still left to potty train and 1 a year away from school age was, to say the least, daunting.

Something else I've begun to understand though is that a big part of life is knowing what you want, finding out what it costs, and paying it. Feeling the fears but pushing through anyway, Ed and I are staying the course.

Now here is our newest little one, Erin Elise, and it feels like we have always been a family of 6 and not just 5. I'm almost wondering if this is just the calm before the storm but so far everything..."fits". Ali is now fully potty trained and in regular underwear for the daytime and will most likely be good for the evening as well (thanks Mommy Mirza and Papa Dindo!). Nina is so close and will just need a little bit more attention. Ed and I set a goal for Ali to start AWANA through our church this weekend and one of the requirements is that she be potty trained. We were hoping Nina would start as well but it may be too soon for her. Vivi is walking, climbing, dancing and eating regular food with only a few shots of formula. So right there, our diapers and food costs have gone down a bit. Erin is taking well to the breast and I'm hoping we won't have to do mixed feedings at all. Thanks to my coworkers we have enough diapers and wipes to last Erin for the next 2-3 years ^_~ haha! Clothes are obviously not a problem. So really, the largest "burden" at this point is making sure everyone has their special "time" with Ed and I.

The dynamics that develop in a large family are really interesting and entertaining. Ali and Nina are completely partners in crime but yet they still take time out for their own individual pursuits. Ali is starting a new phase where she is really taking on leadership roles and I see her modeling and mentoring Nina and Vivi through a lot of important skills. It's almost like all Ed and I have to do is set the stage and do the occasional "policing" as they all start to learn boundaries and expectations. Otherwise, they are showing us almost naturally what they need to get to the next levels.

Ed is an amazing teacher; also almost instinctual in his way of balancing love and discipline. He can be patient but firm and structured but casual all at the same time. Whomever said that men don't really multi-task has never seen a dad in action. Just since Erin's arrival I have witnessed my husband get lunch together for our toddlers, change and attend to our newborn's needs, schedule a visit with the pediatrician while also trying to arrange a way to pick up one of our cars that's in the shop all in the span of 15 minutes. It's a beautiful thing to witness. Another amazing moment is to have your husband protectively escort you to your seat in the car and then systematically load 4 little ones into their individual car seats 5 point harnesses boosters and all with nothing but a smile and playful banter for each of the kids. It is funny how your husband can take on a whole new kind of sexiness as he grows into fatherhood.

So it's been an incredible journey again. I'd like to write more but the baby is asleep and I know enough that I should be sleeping too because you never know when that precious span of 2-3 hours can actually be the golden ticket 4-5 hours!

We've officially reached full term for this pregnancy and gosh am I struggling. I am a walking contradiction of high and low emotions, action and inaction, patience and spontaneous wrath. I'm trying to take it easy but my nesting instinct is in overdrive and everywhere I look all I see are things that need my attention and energy. (Okay...just a few more lines and my whining will be all over)

Ice cream Snickers...yes, that is the answer to all my woes! Followed closely by a Chocolate Xtreme DQ Blizzard...oh man, it's going to be a LONG night.

Maybe if I just focus on one small thing, get it done, and have that awesome although fleeting sense of accomplishment, I'll get out of this rutty feeling. I should pack my bag for the hospital and pack a bag for the girls too. Yes, I'll start there. Then I'll write thank you cards. That always makes the heart warm and fuzzy. Finally I'll let the girls play outside when the sun finally sets and it cools down and I can just sit and watch them and marvel at their limitless energy.

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

It's just one thing after another it seems and of course it would all be happening at this exact moment. But this is it..."no dress rehearsal; this is our life."

Thankfully, we will be a complete set of 5 again tonight. I'm still in prayer that Ed and Ali arrive safe and sound; just one more hour to go.

My cousin sent me a message the other night letting us know that Pop is in the hospital again, another pneumonia on top of gout. My mom needs money; I'm not sure exactly how it works over there but I'm pretty certain that she's paid out of pocket for everything. The obvious answer is that he needs to get back to the States asap but the question is when or if he'll be well and strong enough to travel. Families face hard times caring for their own when in the same country...how much more when one of your own falls ill miles away? If you were to ask me tonight what I would spend a million dollars or a big Lotto windfall...I could tell you without hesitation that it would be to build a wall of security around my family so high that illness or injury could never penetrate. Interesting timing since the hot topic of today (besides Kanye) is health care.

Also on the health care front is the reality that kids do get sick and things do come up healthwise that, whether you're financially prepared or not, you have to find a way to man up on. Ali had a fall a week before her homecoming and is now sporting a splint and a sling for a wrist fracture. So to the doctor we go as soon as she returns and hopefully they'll just say to keep it immobilized since it was nondisplaced and she won't have to go the cast route. But if she does, I'm sure we'll have lots of fun decorating it. Nina is going to need some extensive dental work so we're bracing ourselves for the next 2-3 weeks as they estimate out what it will cost to place her under and get it all done trauma free in an hour. Otherwise she's going to have to do it one procedure at a time without the anesthesia. I feel awful for not protecting her teeth better but I guess that's just another lesson that not everything works the same for every child and I need to be more on my game.

On a positive note...because Lord knows I need some kind of positive in all of this is that I am 3cm dilated and the baby is in position although still resting very high. I'm thinking probably another week although Ed and I joke that it would be cool if she was born on a date that would be easy to remember like 9.29.09.

The Toyota Sienna has been a dream. I got to really know her today while driving all over town for mine and Nina's doctor's appointments. Just the fact of having dual sliding doors to load the kids in and out of is pure heaven. Everything after that was a bonus. It's not bad for a 2006 either. I am honestly amazed at the quality and affordability that can be offered through going the used car route. I guess it makes sense. People change cars so often now that it's not hard to get one that is still pretty good condition. Ed says our car was a "fleet" car which is a company used car. Unfortunately it was probably for hauling so we DEFINITELY need to get this thing detailed inside and out. Otherwise it is a great vehicle and it is just way too funny looking in the back and seeing all of our little "captains" lined up in their carseats. I can't wait for tonight when Ali finally takes her spot.

So my friends, back to work tomorrow but for tonight, you know all six of us are going to be snuggled up tight and yes in ONE bed!

Never stop being thankful for your family.

Just a little more breathing room, please Lord.

Ed sent me a text message this afternoon saying: "God is so good! All bills paid and a little left over."

I received my annual review at work and am thankful beyond imagining, for a boss who is willing to go to bat for me to have yet another significant increase especially with our profession facing very real Medicare cut-backs in the very near future. How easy it is to forget how thankful I was back in July 2007 to have the opportunity to work. It's a whole different feeling now though, with the economy being what it is. I wasn't a practicing therapist yet when the "PPS storm" hit but it is humbling and unsettling to be faced with the possibility of a similar, maybe even more devastating storm likely on the way. It's a mad scramble to get salary rates "locked in" so that some of us can at least survive if/when companies start to implement a "no raise" plan in order to retain staff. But if it gets to a point where they not only stop giving raises but also start dealing out pay cuts...

Other things on my mind include this inner conflict between homeschooling or enrolling Ali next year. Part of me knows I could do it, successfully implement a curriculum, but the questions that plague me are when? and how? I can't be everything. I can't be everywhere. And I know, I can let this go and let God but this is the reality of my human condition. It always begins with a little banging my head against the wall stressing out about what is within my control and influence. I see all of these sweet pictures of parents taking their children on their first day of school, the wonderful stories full of excitement and nostalgia and it makes me want that for our girls too. Then there is another side that is not conventional and has me veering towards the road less traveled with stories just as wonderful and exciting although less publicized.

At the end of the day, though, the only thing that matters is that it be Your will, Father. Let the final decision/choice be for Your glory and for Your purpose and not what is so temptingly my comfort or my peace.

On a brighter note, Ali will be back in my arms in just SIX more days! Six days after that, we'll be having lunch with some of our favorite people visiting from MI, and anytime after that, we finally meet Erin.

Surfing the net tonight while the kids wind down for bed, I am suddenly completely overtaken by a sense of being terribly overwhelmed. So much to think about, so much out of our sphere of influence, and so much...waiting. This is definitely the hardest part. This is definitely the walk in the desert.

My commute between work and home one way can sometimes stretch into 45 min to an hour depending on the amount of traffic and the percentage of drivers that are from California (haha! J/K!) So in that span of time I've developed a love for listening to I guess I would call them "teaching" tapes/cd's of various speakers sharing experiences and lessons about life principles. The few years that we have been in Vegas, I've now added Christian rock stations which also have occasional sermon/lesson segments and AM talk radio (although I only listen to one host faithfully and that's Mike Savage). It must seem pretty strange to most people that I would enjoy these things but it really has given me a lot of great perspective on issues that would have otherwise been beyond my comprehension. It has definitely made for some interesting and sometimes heated debates at lunchtime and even over Facebook! Haha!

Well, on my way home tonight, my Christian rock station was doing a segment on marriage and more specifically healing severely broken marriages. Now, my marriage is not perfect but I definitely feel it is solid. I know, some may say it's only been four years, but considering that many marriages don't make it to one year these days; it is pretty significant. I have witnessed a fair share of severely broken marriages though within my own family and the possibility of true healing and reconciliation has never seemed like it could ever happen. I always had this notion that while they may not ever divorce, people have made ways to stay miserably married in name only; really just roommates living separate yet strangely interdependent lives and that this was perfectly normal. It is something new to me entirely that there are couples out there that fight their way back to full healing and restoration and make it, really and truly make it.

The lady that was speaking tonight talked about how her and her husband attended a marriage conference and one of their assignments one evening was to write each other a love letter. She said: "It shocked me, even though I knew that we were in trouble, to find that I could not write my husband, the man that I was to spend the rest of my life with, a love letter. Instead, I wrote him a letter of hurt and profound bitterness." She said that night revealed to them just how much their hearts had hardened towards each other and how so many times in their recent years together, they had no qualms about humiliating, offending, or shaming each other in public. There truly was no more love.

So if that was the case, the interviewer asked her, wouldn't that have been the nail on the coffin and would have proved beyond a doubt that your marriage was over? The lady said, for many people it probably would have been but what made their experience different was that instead of love being treated as a feeling, her and her husband made love a choice and more importantly, a commitment. She said divorce was not on the table for discussion. When they came to that place, it finally made healing possible.

She also said that that was only the beginning though. When you've been driving down the road in the wrong direction for so long, you're going to have just as much ground to back track over before you get on the right road. They took that road back together and it took a lot of time. She talked about how they didn't even have a sense of intimacy for each other anymore; no hand holding and no longing or admiring glances. She shared how during another "assignment" at the conference they were supposed to spend an intimate evening together and were completely perplexed that they could sit across from each other and stare at each other without feeling a single spark or even a remote tenderness.

So love is a decision. And it may need to be a decision that is made time and time again, regardless of circumstance. Suddenly the vows that we offer to each other at the alter take on a deeper dimension.

Move over C.S. Lewis...

I don't think it's quite insomnia. My mind just feels too alive tonight. Maybe it's because there are so many changes on the horizon; maybe it's because this little life inside me is SO full of life and expresses it in all sorts of movements and hiccups that no matter how many pregnancies I go through, still completely fascinates me; or maybe I'm just not ready to give up this day although time itself has already deemed it a whole new day.

I've been meaning to write about so many things too but my mind just says wait. Maybe it's because I'm missing Ali so much. I finally asked Ed if he could just bring her back with him when he goes to help his parents out next month. I don't think I can survive until the end of September. Our last Skype session ended with her pleading for me to not hang up and that's just not something you put a mommy through. I am thankful though. So deeply thankful that she is able to have this time with her grandparents. I don't think you can put a price on such things.

So what does the horizon have in store for us? Beyond the obvious of course, which is baby Erin and an even more family friendly vehicle, we are starting to house hunt as well. I'm also due for my annual review at work and the results could lead to other opportunities or other considerations. Overall, everything is moving in a positive direction but it's just overwhelming when stopping to consider all the little things that have to come together to make it all reality in such a short span of time.

Funny to say, the recurring time frame of significant life change for us is in effect yet again...3 months. Just stay faithful for 3 more months and things always work themselves out.

Of course, you know WHO Ed and I will be listening for and leaning on.

The message this past Sunday was another thing I wanted to post on. Possibly for vanity because it was all about "me"...well, actually...more specifically my namesake but it is still fun to hear your name referenced to so many times in a 45 minute period.

The message was entirely devoted to the concept of "joy". The pastor spoke about how joy is available to everyone; how it's not something natural but supernatural (since our natural tendency is to actually drift towards despair); how it is available at ALL times (although most of us spend our time waiting to arrive at the place/situation/circumstance that we think is the time we can rejoice) and lastly how it is more than human emotion.

So how does God play a part in this joy thing? Well, God is full of joy; He longs for us to share in His joy, and joy is found in His promises and presence. The greatest example of this is the bible. Just some verses that can serve as references for this are: Psalm 16:11, Isaiah 41:10, and Habakkuk 3:17-19.

In a nutshell, joy is "the enthusiastic condition of my heart being anchored in a high view of God." It is the steadfast belief that my level of joy has very little to do with my circumstances but has EVERYTHING to do with my view of God. If my view of God is small then I have no choice but to fall back on my own resources, my own strength, myself; and in the end, I've only been more overwhelmed by the reality that I'm not enough. (Thank you Pastor Mike for such a an amazing message. I wish I could take credit for such great thoughts but all of that was him not me.)

So this next 3 months could be pretty crazy but I know Our Guy has us covered...always.

Just as it would be wrong to deny someone their successes, it is equally wrong to deny someone their struggles. I know in the years to come, I'm going to be tested in this through my own children but for tonight I'm writing from my own little corner of life experience.

It's natural to want to protect the ones you love but it's amazing how easy it is to cross the line from caring to enabling. Everyone has a different way of responding to over protection. Some embrace it, leaving their loved ones constantly bewildered as to why they haven't "progressed" in their lives, taken on the natural chain of "adult" responsibilities that will qualify them as being fully independent. Others strike out in completely opposing directions, sometimes with good outcomes but others with overwhelming disaster. I like to think that while I've followed very little of the advice that was given to me, I've erred more towards the good rather than the disastrous.

Of course, there's really no way to measure true success because it's subjective. I think we're doing pretty well but others may come to a completely different conclusion. I still believe, though, that it's far too early in the game to make any final call; because any given moment, can be the moment that turns it all around.

Another reason why I'm a big believer in letting people go through their struggles and why a hand UP is always better than a hand OUT is because we are all fashioned by our experiences, good and bad; best and worst; blessings and catastrophes. It's important to learn how to handle both because both experiences provide very powerful shaping influences that can prepare us for whatever may come next in our evolutionary process. When you deny someone either one, you are denying them the right to progress.

So while it may hurt to not have your advice followed, maybe it's important to ask why it's so important to you that they follow that advice? Was the advice really for their well being or was it an act of redemption for yourself?

It just occurred to me that the way I've been keeping myself sane through the work week is to think of it as a 5 day sprint. This pregnancy has casted a serious spell of senioritis over me where the nesting instinct is so strong and my greatest happiness is found in making like a couch potato with a steady IV of ice cream. This week's craving: Nestle ice cream Drumsticks!

My saving grace though is that every time I've told myself I need to buckle down in some area, whether it's making good on packing "baon" instead of going out to eat for lunch or getting in to work at 6:30am instead of 10:00am, I've been pretty successful on a 5 day sprint mindset.

I have yet to develop that long distance runner mentality where bad habits truly die but these short bursts of intense concentration and devotion to whatever needs to be completed at this moment in time has brought me more peace and balance than I could have ever "accidentally" accomplished on my former "one day at a time" approach.

It feels good to go into work and have a sense of being pretty caught up with things. It helps me to be more "present" for my patient's and their families. Of course, more manageable caseloads with a high percentage of motivated patients helps out A LOT too. Kudos to our marketing team for sending over some truly rehab appropriate patients. It can really wear a person down when you have a lot of unmotivated, max/total assist, or hospice ready cases where you are sweating blood trying to encourage participation.

So things are good. 5 day sprints to help distract me from wishing for maternity leave. Maybe I'll be able to make it the full 40 weeks this time? Ha! Wishful thinking is obviously a side effect of 5 day sprinting.

She is safe and sound at home with my in-laws and it finally feels like I can breathe again. There are no words to describe this kind of...relief! Thank you Father God! And thank you to all our family and friends who really surrounded us with prayer, love and caring. It means more than words can ever say. We are blessed to have you in our lives!

I'm caught between the two worlds. I want to jump on a plane and be with Ali but there is too much tying me here to Vegas. Every morning since her admission to the hospital I've been keeping time with God, trying to get a sense for the right decision.

Sickness, it's just part of the process; something that no parent can avoid. It's just the not being able to be there and to have someone else making decisions regarding her care that makes it difficult. Although I know I couldn't have more capable people in place for her, it's that one maybe selfish right of parenthood that you feel like there is something deeper you can provide that no one else can. That special something that is beyond skill and beyond even blood hidden deep within our genetic code; firmly embedded in the pure truth that we belong to each other. I got to speak to her again today for just a few seconds after what feels like an eternity. Even just to tell her that I love and miss her terribly brings so many emotions to the surface. Teleport chamber inventors, where are you?!?!!

It feels like the world is standing still. I'm going through the daily motions but I'm also somewhere else completely.

Trying to figure out my next summer read and came across this interesting summary for a book that has been recommended to me before, Finding the Hero in your Husband:

Finding the hero is not about depending on your husband for fulfillment. Ironically, it is only through letting go of the dream of his unfailing love that a woman can invest in the hope for true intimacy. It is not your husband that you must worship. The hero in your husband is only his capacity to image God's loving kindness, mercy and grace. To find that hero, you must know the God your husband was created to image. The fairy tale is not marrying Prince Charming. It is helping the man you married to become the godly man he is created to be.

A woman never marries the man of her dreams.
She helps the man she marries to become the man of his dreams.

I just finished a book by Emily Griffin called Love the One You're With and was greatly surprised to find that I couldn't put it down. I read it in 3 days which is a record for me! So I'm on the hunt again.

1. My parents are officially and safely settled in the PI. I haven't had a chance to connect with them yet but I have no doubts that they are having a great time and are in good hands.

2. Ali is in MI with Ed's parents and doesn't want to come home *tears* I miss my little one so much, every morning is draped with an odd sense of...missing. Just like my parents, I know she is in great company. Mom called today and reported that my poor delicate desert flower is sick. Ali and Nina got to chat on the phone and this is how it went:

Nina: Hi Ali, it's me Nina!
Ali: Nina, I'm sick!
Nina: Oh? You okay?
Ali: No, I'm sick.
Nina: Take medicine, Ali?
Ali: Okay.
Nina: Feel better, miss you, lub you.
Ali: Bye Nina, love you too.

***TEARS!!!!!!***

3. Ed and I are in prayer over a big life change (in addition to the baby in Oct) that may be happening in the next couple of months. More details to come.

4. Vivi can walk without holding onto anything...she just doesn't know that she can yet.

5. Nina's "boo-boo" is almost healed. We are just faithfully tending to the scar and hoping it will be almost invisible by the time she is of an age to care.

6. I am feeling the full force of being pregnant during a NV summer.

7. We have yet to decide where we are going to deliver.

8. We have a name! Erin Elyse! We will never be guilty of naming our children similarly. Each of them has their own unique flavor.

Otherwise, business as usual. The end!

"From the inside out" by Hillsong United

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out

"Only You Lord" by David Crowder

Take my heart, I lay it down
At the feet
of You who's crowned

Take my life
Letting go
I lift it up
to You who's throned

And I will worship You, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will bow down before You
Only You, Lord

Take my fret, take my fear
All I have I'm leaving here
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
You're my delights
Be my everything

And I will worship You, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will bow down before You
Only You, Lord
And I will worship You, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will, I will bow down before You
Only You, Lord
And it's just You and me here now

Only You and me here now

It shouldn't take many experiences to learn that answers to prayers, longed for opportunities, or solutions to problems don't always come in ways that are simple or comfortable. The 3 month mark seems to repeatedly be my milestone marker for life change.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. (Martin Luther King Jr.)

Tonight I'm on my knees, Lord, because your blessings have been so great and within the past few weeks, your provision has not only been sweet but almost too overwhelming for me to wrap my mind around. All I ask is that your will be done. Place me where your glory and your grace will be fulfilled. You already know the wishes of my heart and hopes Ed and I have for our family. Bring peace to my mind, let me know where that first step is going to be.

After October of this year I guess we will officially be inducted into the "large family" club and as the days of this pregnancy go by I find myself seeking mentorship in every possible avenue I can think of. I'm reading again, a cluster of books that range from homeschooling, to managing a large family household, to books that can deepen my relationship with God and bible verses that can encourage and sustain me. Tonight I took some time to visit Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar's family website and found some real gems in their FAQ section. I thought I'd share them here with you in case you find yourself seeking something similar.

What is the most difficult thing about having a large family?

The hardest thing about raising any number of children is purposing to keep up with their hearts. With as many as we have that is a full-time job. We try to have regular talks with each one individually on a weekly basis. It is important to learn how to ask the right questions and not have a condemning spirit. They need to know they have a safe place to share their hopes and dreams, challenges and mistakes. This creates a very close relationship.

What are your top five best parenting tips? (For parents with families of all sizes.)

1. Teach our children to love God with all of their heart, soul, mind and strength, and memorize God’s word together as a family.

2. Teach them to have a servant’s heart, leading by your example. Love your neighbor as yourself.

3. Daily read the Proverb of the Day that corresponds with the day of the month and discuss it as a family.

4. Diligently keep up with each child’s attitudes and actions and ask what is going on in their heart. Pray with them one on one letting them lead in prayer and then you closing the prayer time together.

5. Ask God to help you conquer anger because it can destroy your relationship with your children. Praise them ten times more than you correct them.

How did you come to the decision to have such a large family? Are you and Jim Bob from large families yourselves? Are each of your families supportive and involved in your lives with your children?

Jim Bob has one older sister that is three years older than him. Michelle is the baby of seven children.

When we first got married we thought we would have maybe two or three children. Michelle started off our marriage taking the Birth control pill so we could plan when we wanted children. After three years, Michelle went off the pill and we had our first son Josh. We loved being Josh’s parents and getting to spend all our time with him, but we didn’t think we were ready for more children yet. So Michelle went back on birth control pills after Josh was born.

Then the unexpected happened, followed by the unthinkable: Michelle got pregnant, even though she was still taking birth control pills. We thought that was impossible, but we were surprised to find out different! Between her second and third month, Michelle miscarried. When the doctor told us the miscarriage probably happened because she had conceived while still on the pill, we were devastated. To us, it meant that something we had chosen to do—use the pill—had caused the end of the pregnancy.

As conservative Christians, we believe every life is sacred, even the life of the unborn. Due to our lack of knowledge, we destroyed the precious life of our unborn child. We prayed and studied the Bible and found a host of references that told us God considered children a gift, a blessing, and a reward. Yet we had considered having another child an inconvenience during that busy time in our lives, and we had taken steps to prevent it from happening.

We weren’t sure if Michelle could have any more children after the miscarriage, but we were sure we were going to stop using the pill. In fact we agreed we would stop using any form of birth control and let God decide how many children we would have. Just a couple of months later, Michelle became pregnant with twins. A double blessing!
At first our families had a lot of concerns for Michelle’s health and how would we be able to take care of and support our family. But over the years they have warmed up to the idea and have been understanding about our heart commitment to love children like God loves children.

I recommend checking their page out. They gave a lot of great references to different programs and resources that have helped them along this journey and I'm sure I'll be spending some time in prayer over where God wants to take us on our journey.

It's very easy right now to feel overwhelmed. I've had enough time to hear all the different criticisms, advice, and concerns of those around me and it's very easy to give into the mental and emotional weight of all them. Thank God for Ed. He always brings me back to God and the comfort that He has always been faithful to us, even when my mind and heart doubted otherwise.

Coming from the darkest places that we have come from, how could I ever question it?

Because I am human.